Outcome

We cant change the past, so I guess what it is, is and what isnt, isnt. We should accept this fact, and move on with our lives, instead of pondering on what could have been.

I hate it that it ended up this way. It was unreal to think that it happened like that, unexpected and dissapointing. I personally did not want it to happened, but it happened. It hurts the most when you thought it was all okay.. but suddenly, it was all ruined by just that one incident. Harsh words has been spoken, expectations didnt met and things happened. It hurts when a person who used to be part of you suddenly treat you like that, judging you on things that was out of proportion. It sucks that people change most especially when you are to choose between forgetting everything about that person or pretending you dont care, but deep inside... It hurts like hell. How i wish i could rip out that a page of that memory and pretend that nothing happened, that everything is okay. But unfortunately, reality kicks in and slaps you in the face what is there.

You fall inlove and it doesnt work out, and you think that it'll never happen again but it does. Believe me. It does. In the strangest of places..=)

inspired

Its been awhile I havent been writting in this blog. I wanted to write but i never really got the time now adays.. hehe.. Anyway, I just want to write this particular event that happened to me recently.. I was having dinner with my other family in dublin *Tito vic n Tita apol* that night when tito suddenly started teasing me about boys AGAIN. As usual, he is funny on his own way and ofcourse our discussion got deeaper. And by the end of the night, what really struck me the most was when he told me, i quote "You hold your own DESTINY*. I was lying on my bed that night thinking about that statement, as i keep thinking I suddenly went to remembering all the things ive done with my life right now. So much drama that happened this year, relationships, friendships, family issues, etc. And for that I am thankful that throughout these roller coaster adventure of my life I still have God with me..=) It made me smile and laugh that night how silly might have been but yeah, I was laughing at myself.. There are some people have come and gone in my life, But HIM nver leaves me.. And I like that.=)

LIFE AS I KNOW IT..

I finally know what i really want.. *i think i know what i want anyway LOL*.. After this long wait of wanting a closure from someone special to me, it happened. I am happy because we ended up in good terms. I thought after the drama that happened last week it would never be the same again. Part of me ofcourse is sadden that we wont be spending our time with each other or even knowing that i am not the special girl anymore. But im still grateful that we are friends.. Yes. we decided to become friends no more than that. Its better you see, we are both scared that we might get hurt again if we go further than that, I especially am scared to get hurt again. And i knw that if we pursue our feelings for each other now, it might not end up good as it is still too soon to go back. Hanging out with him the past week was like looking into a photograph.. remembering the good memories that happened betweeen us, even the tough times we had, thinking about it is still made me smile.=) I still cant believe for all the things that happened, even the latest drama with him, I cant still say or even act to hate him. I find myself wondering why on earth dont feel any resentment towards him even thinking of all things he had done to me. I wanted to be bitter, to be angry with him, to hate him.. but i cant.. weird huh?!. I actually told him about this when we talked, I told him he is a tumour of my life.. haha!. I still worry tho about him. I know he wants to have fun with his life right now especially that he is still young but I worry that he might ended up in a wrong crowd.. I guess all i can do now for him now is to pray that he is always safe..=) Before we bid our good night, we are both sound happy and agreed not to close our door for each other.. We both dont know what we are heading in our lives but aleast knowing he'll be there if i need someone and I'll be there if he needs someone..=)

To conclude this post, all what i am trying to say is MOVE ON.. he's just a chapter of my life in the past. But I wont close the book, just turning the page..;)

=(

My heart could bear it no longer... The love i have for him now turns to hatred..

In the quite of night, teach me to listen to my own silence,
the unaccepted parts of myself, to the silence around me,
the silence of those in pain,
the silence of children playing in the rain,
the silence of the people in the street,
the silence of oppressed people who dare not to speak.


Twilight time; time between two worlds.
The frenzied world quietens, light recedes,
darkness deepends, the unhurried pace of the new world takes over.

A feeling that still holding on..

I know all of this, and yet i still long to be somewhere else. Somewhere i can be me again. But it seems like its impossible right now. Boredom ruled over me, the silence makes me want to scream and yet i cannot do it. For so long, I wanted to have stillness in this place, at this moment, but somehow I feel rather sad. I cannot think of anything else but the life I have been leading on...

Life is discontent and the future doesnt seem to be bright enough to hold his hand and pull me through this horrible cloud. Love is so heartbreaking and at the same time the most wonderful feeling life has to offer. I havent seen or felt it to its fullest but even the shred of it that has touched me has been amazing. And eventhough from time to time we go out of tune, the melody is clear and even the trickle of happiness that fills me is nearly enough eventhough i know i should be doing something else. I wanted to hold on to it, so bad that I still cried myself to sleep. I wanted to be strong, to be able to show everyone that I am okay.. But you see, I dont think I am that person anymore, pretending to be okay eventhough it is not. They never understand your feelings. Sometimes they do pretend that they do understand it. But at the end they are just puzzled as yourself. Where there is the point where you cannot explain it to them what it is like and how life suddenly slap you in the face and drops you down so that your perspective on everything is greyer than ever...

They dont recognize it, no one does, even yourself, that you are already falling apart....